Ink marks on empty dreams

I am a footstep on the sands of time, I am an ink mark on an empty paper, without stanzas, without rhymes


Ink marks on empty dreams

Empty Without You – The intimate letters of Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok by Rodger Streitmatter


I was reluctant to start reading the intimate letters of Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok, because I knew from what I read around that there are few letters left with Eleanor’s true feelings that Lorena hasn’t destroyed yet and I found it odd to read some letters with mundane happenings.

The letters indeed contain daily issues, but they also contain electrifying intimate thoughts, feelings and beliefs of the two women.

Remember Eleanor was married and not to anyone but to the US President and it was 1933, how unbelievable that such a love existed and influenced the women rights movement and made Eleanor one of the most influential US first ladies.

Anna Eleanor Roosevelt Roosevelt was, by birth as well as by marriage, a patrician- descendant from one of the fifty-six men who signed the declaration of independence and married to a president of the United States, F.D. Roosevelt, her fifth cousin.

Lorena Hickok aka Hick came from a poor family and has been kicked out her home by her father and she found her love for press by 1918 when she started to report for the Minneapolis Tribune, when she has also met her first love, Ellie Morse, who came from one of the wealthiest families in the state and entered into a same sex relationship with her.

eleanor and hick

Hick came into Eleanor’s life in September 1928. Hick was covering FDR’s bid for governor of New York, but she purposefully avoided taking on assignments centered on Eleanor. The boundary-breaking reporter didn’t want to be confined to covering the lives of politicians’ wives. She knew that a story about the wife of the Democratic candidate for governor of New York would never make the front page. While she continued to cover FDR’s campaign and his tenure as governor, she deliberately avoided stories about Eleanor.

Eleanor and Lorena had a very profound friendship, because of the many things they both love and their two personalities alike: for example, from time to time they agreed to read a book simultaneously, so they could discuss them by letter or, when possible, in person.

Apparently, this friendship turned into so much more, after Eleanor found out that her husband, F.D.R. Roosevelt, cheated on her with his secretary, she remained in the marriage because of their children and because she didn’t want to ruin F.D.R’s raising political career, nor him acceding to the White House.

In the summer of 1933, Lorena Quit the Associated Press and became the federal government’s chief investigator of relief programs. Between the trips around the country, she slept on a daybed in a room adjoining Eleanor’s bedroom.


1933 was an important year for both women, as Eleanor started to be US first lady, she turned forty nine and Lorena forty.

Since 1924, Eleanor started fighting for the women rights and made queer friends like: Elizabeth and Ester or Nan and Marion, so the love between women was no alien concept to her. She was a professed believer in sexual freedom – including people acting on homosexual desires. In 1925, she wrote in her personal journal : ”No form of love is to be despised”


And after, during and before Eleanor’s stay at the white house (the most intense were written between 1933-1935), the two women exchanged explicit letters, including some graphic love gestures :

eleanor roosevelt letter to lorena hickok2

Lorena to Eleanor :

“A cigar may not always be a cigar, but the northeast corner of your mouth against my lips’ is always the northeast corner”

Eleanor to Lorena :

“One cannot hide things in this world, can one? How lucky you are not a man!”

“Sunday morning we worked until 11 a.m. but slept well. Tiny & I in her big double bed which was comfortable in the guest room, only I wished it was you.”

“Dear one, & so you think they gossip about us. Well they must at least think we stand separation rather well! I am always so much more optimistic than you are. I suppose because I care so little what ‘they’ say!”

“Darling, I feel very happy because every day brings you nearer. I love you deeply & tenderly & oh! I want you to have a happy life. To be sure I’m selfish enough to want it to be near me but then we wouldn’t either of us be happy otherwise, would we?”

“Dearest, I miss you & wish you were here I want to put my arms around you & feel yours around me. More love than I can express in a letter is flying on waves of thought to you.”

“You’ve made of me so much more of a person just to be worthy of you – Je t’aime et je t’adore.”

“I can’t tell you how very precious every minute with you seems both in retrospect and in prospect. I look at you as long as I write- the photograph has an expression I love, soft and a little whimsical, but then I adore every expression. Bless you darling. A world of love, ER

And will you be my valentine?”

“I miss you greatly dear. The nicest time of the day is when I write to you. You have a stormier time than I do, but I miss you as much, I think. I couldn’t bear to think of you crying yourself to sleep. Oh! How I wanted to put my arms around you in reality instead of spirit. I went and kissed your photograph instead and tears were in my eyes. Please keep most of your heart in Washington as long as I’m here for most of mine is with you! A world of love and good night my dear one, ER.”

“May the world be full of sunshine,
And our meetings frequent be
Hours of joy & quiet time,
Take us over life’s rough seas”

“Hick dearest, Of course you will forget the sad times at the end & eventually think only of the pleasant memories. Life is like that, with ends that have to be forgotten.”

They wrote each other over 3500 letters for 30 years and during those years at the beginning of their friendship, 1924-1935, only close friends and family knew Eleanor had a close friend in Lorena, but none want to believe they were actually lovers and spend their vacations together and as much time as possible, none read their private thoughts and feelings until 1978, when part of the letters were discovered by archivists. Only 300 are published in this book, and the public is able to see another side of Eleanor Roosevelt written by her own self in the intimate letters to Hick. She is human : laughs and cries, feels tender and vulnerable, judgmental and sarcastic, and recognizes how this friendship and this love has changed her and changed the first lady she wanted to be and she was, an icon.


Apparently, Hick had a relationship with another woman, too, called Marion.

“Dearest, Darling, you were low & I know that in some way I hurt you & I am sorry & I wish I had not but all I can say is, I really love you.”

Indeed, the First Lady and her gal pal were growing apart. It’s unclear exactly what prompted the above apology, but Eleanor wrote the letter the day after she and Hick had lunch together in New York City. Clearly, it wasn’t the greatest lunch of 1936 .

In 1940, though they continued to grow apart—especially as World War II unfolded, forcing Eleanor to spend more time on leadership and politics and less time on her personal life—Hick and Eleanor still wrote to one another and sent each other Christmas presents. Prinz, by the way, is Hick’s dog, who she loved like a child. Eleanor loved him enough to buy him a present, too. GAY!

If Hick and Eleanor were indeed broken up at this point, they sure are fulfilling the stereotype of lesbians hanging onto their exes. In 1942, Hick started seeing Marion Harron, a U.S. Tax Court judge ten years younger than her. Their letters continued, but much of the romance was gone and they really did start to sound like old friends.

Hick ended her relationship with Marion a few months after FDR died, but her relationship with Eleanor did not return to what it was. Hick’s ongoing health problems got worse, and she struggled financially as well. By the time of this letter, Hick was merely living on the money and clothing Eleanor sent to her. Eleanor eventually moved Hick into her cottage in Val-Kill. While there are other letters they exchanged leading up to Eleanor’s death in 1962, this feels like the right excerpt to end on. Even in the face of dark times for them both, Eleanor remained bright and hopeful in the way she wrote about their lives together. Never one to want to share her beloved Eleanor with the American public and press, Hick opted not to attend the former First Lady’s funeral. She said goodbye to their world of love privately.

 empty without you

Source :



Prada periculoasa


Pe strada intunecata se vedea doar ceata unei zile ploioase de octombrie trecut si doua arme semiautomate indreptate inspre doua siluete negre ce nu puteau fi deslusite……dar se cunosteau demult……din vremurile in care silueta “atacata” o domina pe cea care acum o asteptase dupa colt…..parul negru ondulat se lupta cu vantul si cu amintirea navalnica a celeilate siluete……arma ii tremura pentru o secunda in mana inmanusata in timp ce trenciul de piele devenise stralucitoare de la stropii de ploaie de pe ea iar privirea albastra ii era intunecata de amintirea celeilalte siluete…….cealalta silueta avea o pozitie ferma de atac cu picioarele desfacute si ambele brate pe arma, parul blond era ravasit de ceata si de vreme iar ploaia o facea sa para o sirena ce tocmai iesea din mare , stropii de ploaie siroiau pe pantalonii si geaca scurta de piele…….mainile nu i tremurau dar ii tremura tot interiorul in amintirea celeilate siluete pe care acum o dorea…..moarta.
Amintirea acelei nopti din trecut ii intuneca acum ratiunea si totusi o napadea fara atentionare si fara mila…..era o noapte ca asta….friguroasa, intunecoasa si cetoasa cand era pe strada si se intorcea de la servici….era o altfel de persoana : era frumoasa , amuzanta, vioaie si iubitoare si mai ales plina de incredere si speranta pana in acea seara cand mergand inspre casa o masina neagra cu geamuri fumurii se oprii brusc in fata ei, scrasnitul rotilor o infricosa iar 2 oameni coborara din ea, o insfacara si o legara la ochi si au aruncat-o in masina. Simti niste maini flamande pipaind-o si un glas violent apoi :

“-Jos mainile murdare de pe ea. Sefa a spus sa o aducem curata.”

“-Dar e asa bunaaaa”, strigara nemultumiti cei doi rapitori.
“-Gura , terminati si hai odata sa mergem. ” se auzi din nou glasul.
Fata nu simti decat virajele ce le lua soferul masinii ce o purta cine stie unde si simtea mirosul de tigara probabil a sefului ce tipa violent mai devreme. Deodata masina se oprii si fata se simti purtata pe niste maini vanjoase , simti aerul curat si parfum de magnolie pana ce bratele o purtara pe scari si inauntru apoi era aruncata intr un spatiu inchis cu miros de mosc.
Se auzi din nou vocea :

“- Am adus-o. Mai tre sa fac ceva?” intreba barbatul.

Nu se auzi nicio voce doar o usa trantindu-se. Si auzi pasi pe covorul moale…..parca cineva se plimba in jurul ei, parca o adulmeca…..simti doar un parfum senzual de flori parfumate ce i invada narile. Daca nu era captiva i ar fi placut.Deodata se simti prinsa de bratele legate si asezata pe ceva moale……. simti o mana care o insfaca de barbie…….si se auzi un glas care ii sopti suav :

“- D-na doctor stiu ca ai antidotul si ca ai sa mi-l dai. Daca nu va iesi rau.” adauga o voce senzuala.
Apoi simti niste buze fierbinti pe ale ei care o sarutau navalnic si un brat seducator ce ii mangaia coapsele desfacandu-i-le pana ce ajunsera in locul in care trebuie si o mangaie moale cu un deget desfacandu-i labiile…..isi auzi propriul geamat in surdina in timp ce brusc simti cum un brat o insfaca de talie si altul ii rupe hainele de pe ea in timp ce acele buze infiorator de moi o sarutau pe gat……

“- Dumnezeule, iti spun si dau tot ce vrei……” se auzi spunand , frematand de dorinta si arcuindu-si trupul gol inspre asupritoarea ei…

Buzele o muscau incet de gat in timp ce mainile acelea agile stiau ce faceau framantandu-i sanii…..Brusc simti ceva rece care trasa o linie imaginara de la buric , pe abdomen , pe valea dintre sani, pe gat si pana la tampla…..un brat de fier o prinse de par iar cu dintii ii smulse masca de pe fata ce o impiedica sa vada… trezi privind in niste ochi sfredelitor de albastrii ce apartineau mainilor si trupului ce o torturasera si buzele ce o innebunisera ii soptira agasant :

“- Inca nu tie frica?”
atractie lesbiana
De partea cealalta, ea stia ca trebuia sa o rapeasca pe cea care inventase antidotul, dar nu se astepta sa arate asa de bine. Se astepta sa fie vreo tocilara urata cu ochelari, in schimb era o blonda superba cu ochi verzi si picioare lungi si cu un trup de invidiat. Observa toate astea in timpul in care o urmarise ea insasi pentru a fi sigura ca va rapi persoana care trebuie si care sa poata si administra tatalui ei antidotul.
Puse la cale rapirea foarte minutios sperand ca baietii nu vor da gres. In timp ce o astepta se plimba prin camera ca leoaica in cusca avand nervii intinsi la maxim. Cand auzi usa de la intrare lua arma din seif si isi drese glasul si aranja parul aplicandu-si si putin arfum cu mainile tremurande de emotie.
Se auzi o bataie in usa apoi omul arunca prada inauntru spuse :

“- Am adus-o. Mai tre sa fac ceva?” intreba barbatul.

Ea il expedie cu o miscare a maini si incepu sa o priveasca pe acea femeie care era ultima ei speranta.
Se plimba in jurul ei simtindu-i parfumul de iasomie si sperand ca ea il va simti pe al ei. Ii placea totul la ea si dorea sa o guste dar si sa o ameninte….era periculos de atragatoare si ea trebuia sa termine ce a inceput.
O prinse de bratele legate si o aseza pe canapeaua acoperita cu o blanita moale si se simti periculos de aproape de prada ei. Simtind valul de dorinta ce o cuprinse inchise ochii strans dorind ca acesta sa dispara si sa devina periculoasa….privi pe masuta unde se afla arma incarcata si se intoarse spre prada cu gandul la scopul ei care rapid se intuneca….o insfaca de barbie si ii sopti suav :

“- D-na doctor stiu ca ai antidotul si ca ai sa mi-l dai. Daca nu va iesi rau.” adauga o voce senzuala.

Apoi isi umezi buzele fierbinti si o saruta navalnic si un brat seducator ce ii mangaia coapsele desfacandu-i-le pana ce ajunsera in locul in care trebuie si o mangaie moale cu un deget desfacandu-i labiile…..innebuni cand ii auzi geamatul in surdina, inchise ochii in timp ce brusc cu un brat o insfaca de talie si altul ii rupe hainele de pe ea in timp ce cu niste buze infiorator de moi o saruta pe gat……

“- Dumnezeule, iti spun si dau tot ce vrei……” o auzi spunand , frematand de dorinta si arcuindu-si trupul gol inspre asupritoarea ei…inspre ea. “Doamne cat isi dorea sa ii satisfaca trupul flamad si sa o faca sa geama de placere…dar nu putea….inca.”

reddish lesbian kiss

O musca incet de gat in timp ce cu maini agile stia ce-i faceau framantandu-i sanii….Vroia sa-i faca mai mult, sa o ia toata dar brusc lua arma cu care trasa o linie imaginara de la buric , pe abdomen , pe valea dintre sani, pe gat si pana la tampla… un brat de fier o prinse de par iar cu dintii ii smulse masca de pe fata ce o impiedica sa vada… trezi privind in niste ochi incredibil de verzi in care se ineca pentru o secunda dar stia ca trebuia sa mearga mai departe si ii sopti agasant :

“- Inca nu tie frica?”

blisfull kiss
-va continua-

Senzatii straine – partea I

Apusul era pe sfarsite, culorile erau inflamate ca niste vise naruite de fantasme ale trecutului, chiar la ultima raza plapanda pe prapastia marii. Panglicile rosiatice ale soarelui se imbinau cu razele albastru deschise ale lunii deasupra valurilor sclipitoare ale marii, toate intruchipau perfectiunea salbaticiei neatinse ale naturii intr-o pictura pe atat de mica, pe atat de plapanda. Naturaletea peisajului era completata de silueta pictoritei din spatele sevaletului. Intr-o mana avea penelul care parea atatrnat de briza si de gandurile ei, abia atingea panza, in timp ce rochita alba de in care-i invaluia corpul parea luata de vant, care o mangaia molcom lasandu-i umarul drept dezgolit privirii nesatioase ale strainei ce o privea. Furata de frumusetea salbaticiei din peisajul sau, nu a observat perechea de safire ce o privea indragostita de privelistea ce i se oferea. O pictura intr-o pictura, exact asta vedea.

Cu greu isi desprinse privirea si se indeparta amintindu-si motivul pentru care era in acest satuc aproape de Constanta, si anume mostenirea lasata de la bunica la malul Marii Negre. Nu stia daca parasirea orasului mare in care locuia, cu nebunia si stresul ce-l genera doar traficul, pe langa Tribunal care era ca a doua ei casa. Dupa ani de studiu si de lupte seculare L. ajunsese una din cele mai respectate avocate din oras prin multimea cazurilor favorabile rezolvate si strictetea strategiei sale.
Acum, simtind mirosul sarat al marii in briza ce-i rascolea simtirile in acest minunat peisaj oferit de mare, de nisip si de frumoasa pictorita au naucit-o. Simtea libertatea patruzandu-i in vene si in spirit, amintirea casei si a locurilor copilariei o cuprinsera navalnic, toate alimentate de imaginea acestei femei de la malul marii furata de pasiunea artei sale.

De fiecare data cand era in fata unui juriu sau al unui judecator nemilos stia ce sa faca, masca de fier nu o parasea la nevoie pe L. Era impreuna cu Matei de ceva timp si stia ca era un partener pe cinste dar nu era dragoste adevarata , doar companie si prietenie, chiar daca el nu observa. Intodeauna se simtise ca o prizoniera a asteptarilor celor din jur, a parintilor, a iubitilot. Niciodata nu a simtit libertatea nepasatoare ce o ofera spontaneitatea atractiei adevarate. A simtit o gelozie aparte pe vantul care-i purta pe aripile sale buclele blonde ale pictoritei si pe ultimele raze ale soarelui care-i mangaiau indecent pielea alba si fina. Ce naiba era cu ea, se gandea L. O luase razna ca era atrasa de aceasta femeie intr-o maniera nefireasca, pagana. Mergand spre casa aceste ganduri o invadau furios si furibund. Era bucuroasa ca se intoarse in casa bunicii unde totul avea un miros aparte, mobila mirosea a trecut, iar semineul era dintr-un roman de Jane Austen, totul era perfect, doar ca-i lipsea o fiinta care sa se ocupe de ele, de spiritul lor, in care se vedeau amintirile bunicii. Se apuca sa faca ceva de mancare dupa care facu si putina curatenie. Apoi simti nevoia sa ia aer, sa guste din parfumul noptii, gandindu-se in secret ca era doar ea si noaptea si poate pictorita pe care o intalnise ziua. Noaptea se lasase peste mare, nisipul fierbinte de peste zi se transformase in granule racoroase, iar apa marii era un miracol pentru picioarele infierbantate. Fara sa vrea se gandea oare ce o aduse pe pictorita aici in afara de peisaj….si daca avea sa o mai revada. Innebunise de tot si rase cu gandul la ea. L. uitase cat de frumoasa era ea insasi. Era o frumusete inalta, subtire, un trup bine conturat , cu sani fermi si sensibili, parul ei negru ca abanosul se ondula pe umeri si ii incadra fata, buzele ei erau bune de infruptat, iar piese de rezistenta erau ochii de un albastru de ametyst, ca marea cand era adanca si infinit de albastra. Brusc, simtea nevoia sa faca o baie in mare pentru a se linisti si relaxa. Dupa aceea merse inapoi acasa sa doarma. Nu reusi. Se invartea de pe-o parte pe alta si se gandi ca ar fi mai bine sa iasa sa ia putin aer.

lesbian stereotypes
Era 2 dimineata si L. se gandea ca era singura fiinta vie pe acolo. Privii inapoi si dintr-o data auzi un zgomot, se intoarse spre mare si se trezii fata in fata cu cea mai splendida creatura pe care o vazuse vreodata. Apartinea noptii, poate era o sirena venita din mare sa-i tortureze fanteziile, goala naluca venea dinspre mare, picaturile de apa de pe corpul ei sclipeau ca diamantele in lumina lunii care-i dezgolea splendoarea. Isi ridica privirea doar pentru a se cufunda in cei mai verzi ochi pe care-i intalnise vreodata. Se gandea ca viseaza si se lasa prada acelei priviri lascive. Splendida creatura ii zambi si parea si ea mirata de neasteptata intalnire si in secret observa tristetea din acei ochi albastrii ca marea si isi promise ca va face tot ce-i sta in putinta pentru a o indeparta. L. se intoarse acasa in fuga, parca fugind de ea insasi. Adormi brusc si dureros visand cu cine stia ca va visa dar nu se impotrivi.

atractie lesbiana
A doua zi se trezi cu fata la geam gandindu-se daca seara trecuta a fost reala sau doar plasmuirea imaginatiei ei. Se gandi daca era indrogostita de aceasta femeie sau era doar pura admiratie. Ramase fara alimente si se gandi sa mearga la cumparaturi in micul sat pescaresc.
Ajunse in mica alimetara si isi lua tot ce avea nevoie. Pe neasteptata se intalni cu 2 vechi prieteni din copilarie, Maria si Ovidiu.
L. nu-mi vine sa cred ca esti aici, ma bucur sa te vad, a trecut atata timp, spuse Maria.
Imi pare bine sa va revad Maria si Ovidiu, parca a trecut o vesnicie.
Dar, chiar asa, spuse Ovidiu!
Se imbratisara si sarutara pe obraz.
L. diseara dam o petrecere pe barca lui Mihai, mare patron acuma, hai si tu sa darapanam amintiri din copilarie, rase Ovidiu.
Am sa vin, abia astept sa vad toata trupa, spuse L, gandindu-se daca si ea va fi acolo.
Ne vedem acolo, spuse L.
Pe diseara, adaugara Maria si Ovidu.
Merse acasa si se pregati pentru petrecerea de seara de pe iaht. Isi luase cu ea o singura rochie eleganta, rochia ei rosie care-i scotea in evidenta parul si ochii splendizi. Putin fard si uj nu strica….era gata. Merse putin pe nisip si ajunse la debarcader, unde o astepta Mihai.
Wow tot frumoasa ai ramas, scumpo, o admirase el. O pofti pe vas si ii facu un tur introductiv. Seara se lasase usor si vaporul lui Mihai era o bijuterie. Petrecerea era minutios pregatita…mancaruri alese, mediteraneene, arabe, romanesti, fructe exotice, ghirlande cu flori, dansatori, muzicanti si vechea gasca intregeau imaginea petrecerii perfecte.
Ce faceti, spuse ea.
L. se bucurara toti, in sfarsit ne vedem, spusera in cor.
Se imbratisara si sarutara si povestira amintiri de mult uitate si reamintite. Timpul trecu destul de repede. Mihai ii prezenta o gramada de oameni si L. fusese extrem de politicoasa si totusi retinuta pana acum. Mihai o lua de mana si o duse la prova unde se intrezarea o silueta. Cu cat se apropia mai mult cu atat L. simtea un nod in gat si o senzatie de gol in stomac care se accentuau cu fiecare pas. Era intuneric dar lumanarile dela petrecere erau indeajuns ca L. sa recunoasca silueta.
L. vreau sa ti-o prezint pe cea mai talentata artista pe care am cunoscut-o vreodata, spuse Mihai.
Silueta se rasuci in noapte si L. se trezi privind in aceeasi ochi ca si in acea noapte intunecata cand facuse baie in mare goala. Isi inghiti nodul din gat si zambi larg.
S. vreau sa ti-o prezint pe cea mai data naibii avocata din C., spuse Mihai sagalnic.
Femeile isi impreunara mainile fermecate fiecare de privirea celeilalte recunoscandu-se, lucru ce-i scapa lui Mihai care adauga.
Va las fetelor ca ma asteapta baietii pentru o bere si un biliard.

lesbian sarut
Se indeparta neobservat, in timp ce facliile de pe vas, florile si miresmele marii invaluiau cele doua trupuri ramase nemiscate ca doua statui in timp. Obiectul admiratiei sale era sublim, se gandi L. Zeii nu aveau mila de ea o auncasera in neant fara notificare. O atragea nebuneste aceasta femeie care parea magica in rochia ei aurie crapata pe coapsa dreapta dezvelind doar parti ale minunatului ei trup care ridicase o furtuna in trupul lui L. Dumnezeule o luase razna de tot, nu putea scapa de mirajul acestei femei ce o fascina.
S. ramase inmarmurita, isi amintea imaginea acestei femei din noaptea aceea mirifica cand ii intalni privirea trista ce avea nevoie de mangaiere si isi dorea nespus sa o mangaie, sa o seduca, sa o imblanzeasca.
Macar acum iti stiu numele si stiu ca esti reala, ii sopti cu rasuflarea intretaiata L., simtind impulsul de a-i atinge cu limba coapsa goala a lui S.
Si ochii aceia albastrii din noapte exista, raspunse S. Mi-as dori sa arda de dorinta pentru mine in tristetea lor nemarginita, gandi ea. Facuse multe portrete, multor oameni, dar niciunul si niciuna nu se compara cu senzatiile ce i le trezea aceasta femeie cu privirea ei de ametist. Isi dorea foarte mult sa o picteze goala, pe nisipul fierbinte, cu sfarcurile intarite de briza racoroasa, in timp ce marea ii saruta gleznele si soarele apunea in tacere si magie. Dumnezeule, ma indragostesc de ea, gandi cu disperare S.
Mirajul dintre cele doua femei fusese intrerupt de Maria si Felicia care le luasera cu ele in toiul petrecerii, toata lumea se simti minunat si petrecerea se “sparse” cand rasare soarele. Intorcandu-se acasa L. se gandi daca o va mai intalni pe S. din nou si isi imagina tot felul de scenarii, analizandu-si din nou sentimentele, cautandu-se pe sine, cunoscandu-se prin ea…se topea in invalmaseala senzatiilor ce o cotropeau de fiecare data cand o vedea din nou pe S. in visele ei.

A pirate’s heart by Catherine Friend

jack sparrow quote

Long hours of loneliness
Between me and the sea

Losing emotion
Finding devotion
Should I dress in white and search the sea
As I always wished to be – one with the waves
Ocean Soul

Nightwish – Ocean Soul

Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness
Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone
Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone
Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I’ll be forever yours

Nightwish – Forever yours

A pirate's heart by Catherine Friend

The book entwines two parallel stories for the reader, but they happened in different timelines : Captain Farris’s pirate adventures in Grenada, West Indies during 1709-1715 and Emma Boyd and Randi’s story that happens nowdays : Emma’s a librarian that loves pirate stories and Randi is a private investigator that loves maps and adventure, being in a forever adventurous competition with her elder brothers, they come together to find Tommy Farris’s treasure map.

Two love stories, two adventures, brought together by Captain Tommy’s treasure map.

I will tell them separately as they are clearer so, yet entwined in the way Catherine Friend has done it, creates the perfect mingle between the character’s destinies.

I must confess Tommy Farris’s story has fascinated me through it’s depth, it’s strength and it’s adventure. Captain Tommy’s made her way and took all she could in a men’s world : the world of piracy in the West Indies, when a woman being captain of a pirate ship is a wonder, a miracle.


The characters: pirate captain, Thomasina Farris, the devil’s shadow, and former slave, Rebekah Brown, who are so beautifully penned, in a world of cruelty, violence and theft. Both their worlds collide and all their future belongs in Tommy’s hands, both emotionally and physical.

Tommy Farris is the captain of the pirate ship “Moon Shadow” and she and her crew of 100 men are looking for the next pray, probably a commercial ship, always after a treasure hunt. Her best men are Sawkins and Billy who had been with Tommy for 5 years and are loyal ever since. Tommy had a fleet, she added two more ships : the Windy Queen and Tiger Eye and commanded over 300 men after a couple of raids against Spanish commercial ships.

Around the Tortuga Island and Sombrero, Captain Tommy walks on earth after long months on the sea which she loved for supplies and from a cliff she sees three Spanish ships which she and her pirates could take as a prey, but with the help of others. Instead of being attracted by the biggest ship : the Barcelona, she sees the smallest ship : the Maravillosa, with a female figurehead along it

Tommy letter 1

Tommy meets other pirate captains, including one she hated : Shaw, who proposed they will attack the Spanish commercial fleet together and everyone should go for the Barcelona.

Tommy is the captain of the ships because she knows coordinates and mathematical calculus, Tommy is a genius of sailing, in times when they measure water in nodes.

Geena-Davis pirate

Tommy is mesmerized by the Maravillosa and while having an argument with Coxon, a man that will turn to be Shaw’s man on her ship, and that wants to be the captain of the ship, she takes her pirates into a quick plunder for a smaller ship that came in the way. She takes it in force, liberates the slaves and keeps three women slaves for one of them to be her cabin boy, ment to wash her clothes and feed her. One of them holds her attention, the boldest, the one who keeps looking into her eyes, Rebekah Brown. Tommy seems unable to convince Rebekah to her duties, for she seems not to speak English and flees overboard twice. Yet, Tommy confesses some of her thoughts to Rebekah about her childhood and her dream to leave piracy and crimes one day. They form a bond in the end and Tommy doesn’t understand her attraction to this amazingly beautiful woman with tanned skin and mesmerizing eyes. The most beautiful confession about Tommy is the white streak strand of hair through her thigh length black mane, which appeared after her first kill.


I loved how Tommy took care of Rebekah while she was ill, Tommy’s sexual desire rising to it’s edges and how Tommy ran from Rebekah as much as she could on the ship’s deck while they were expected to sleep together as Rebekah is her cabin boy. I found it beautiful how Rebekah kissed Tommy while she was asleep and how Tommy awoke and brought so much depth to that kiss.

max and eleanor black sails

Tommy kills Coxon and Rebekah has given her strength by saying during the fight that he mingled with her. After a few tropical storms and while her other ships departed with Shaw, Tommy conquered the Maravillosa. She lives her Moon Shadow with another member of her crew and she sails with the Maravillosa for a while, because it contained of the biggest Spanish treasure and she had to hide it.

She found love in a real bed with Rebekah and although she felt she sinned against God by sleeping with a woman, she couldn’t help it, because she was already in love with Rebekah. Sawkins and Billy kept seeing a two peak island around Carriacou in the Caribbean Sea, but Tommy thought it was just their imagination after too much ale. After a few days, the Maravillosa drowns during a tropical storm and Rebekah is gone (Sawkins says she went straight to that island and she will be safe). They abandoned ship and Tommy is the sole survivor. She is rescued by some Dutch commercial ship and she is transformed into a domestic woman in a dress. She goes on earth in Port Royal, but she is recognized by the guards and ends in prison.

She wants to die, because she know Rebekah is dead and she is a pirate. Her only hope is her old friend Danny McLurin, a former pirate who became a priest and whom she helped when on the ship she has conquered when she met Rebekah. She let him a small treasure then and send him to land.

Tommy letter 2

Tommy letter 3

Now he wanted to pay his debt and get her out of prison, yet is hard to convince Tommy. Until after the trial, Tommy realizes that Rebekah might be alive and she knew how to get to her, she asks Danny to help her. And he will with a very clever trick : Tommy will switch places for hanging with one of Tommy’s sick older woman, that had only a couple of months to live and couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He cuts Tommy’s hair and sets her free. Tommy begins her journey as Captain R. Brown steals the Moon Shadow from Shaw and sails to find the mysterious island around Carriacou. And she succeeds and she lives with Rebekah ever after in that paradise island, only humans in love can see.

pin by sierra visser

Tommy and Rebekah reunite the end

I loved this pirate story, it’s up’s and down’s, it’s adventures, it’s mysteries and this amazing lesbian love story.


The second story, leads librarian, Emma Boyd in a great adventure with private investigator, Randi Marx in their quest to find Drummond, a thief who stole pirate treasure maps from Emma’s library. Their quest along many libraries and their weaknesses and strengths makes them fall in love (Randi can’t change a tire, but can sail with close eyes; she has a dog Marley, that cannot be left alone for much time because he becomes anxious). Emma exchanges emails with Drummond, yet Emma knows he wants Captain Tommy’s treasure map, hidden in the cover of one of Captain R.Brown’s books. Randi and Emma finally decipher who Rebekah Brown was = Tommy’s lover and who Captain R. Brown is.

Emma and Randi share a beautiful night together, yet after the adventure is over, Randi disappears and leaves Emma a mysterious letter.

Randi fotocopied the map, Randi was Drummond and Randi flew to the Caribbeans. Randi is a pirate herself. Emma is left with a letter and with a desire for revenge. Together with John, Randi’s work partner and with the other three letters Randi sends, Emma and Marley leave for Carriacou and will find Randi on the mysterious island Tommy and Rebekah lived for thirty years and the treasure.

Of course, there is one last adventure for Emma and Randi, Fletcher, Shaw’s descendant, the one who followed Emma for so long, was also on the island and wanted the treasure and wanted to kill the two women. Thank God he wasn’t able to swim and that destiny once more favors the women and he dies.

Emma and Randi discover the treasure and all of Captain Tommy’s and Rebekah Brown’s story and they decide to stay on the same island and spend their lives together there.

randi letter 1

Randi letter 2

Loved this part of Tommy and Rebekah!!

Tommy washing Rebekah


Tell it to the bees movie 2018

Tell it to the bees is a movie inspired by the same name book by British author Fiona Shaw.

Tell it to the Bees draws you into its world, a rich world of secrets and passion, a child’s world, and an adult’s world, Fiona Shaw creates brilliant characters who stay with you long after the book is finished. Charlie is a brilliant invention, he bursts out of the pages, so real you can see the enthusiasm on his boy’s face.  This is a page-turning, involving read that makes you ask big questions about the world and its prejudices. I got so involved in the book that I was worrying for the characters.  A story of love and and betrayal, Tell it to the Bees is a liberating and upflifting  read; it draws you back into the homophobic world of the fifties, and finally releases you from it.’


tell it to the bees by fiona shaw

by Jackie Kay

During the 1950s in a post WW2 England, and the womens’ relationship prompts raised eyebrows in their provincial circles

Gripped by a failing marriage and the responsibilities of having a young son, Lydia (Holliday Grainger) finds solace in her growing bond with the town’s new female doctor Jean (Anna Paquin).

The film starts Doctor Jean Markham who returns to her hometown to take over her late father’s practice. When a school-yard scuffle lands young Charlie in her office, she invites him to visit the hives in her garden and to tell his secrets to the bees as she once did. The friendship between the boy and the doctor brings his mother Lydia (Grainger) into Jean’s world. The women find themselves drawn to one another in a way that Jean recognizes and fears, and which Lydia could never have expected. But in 1950s small-town Britain, the secret won’t stay hidden forever.

holliday grainger tell it to the bees

Also joining the cast are Kate Dickie (Prevenge, Game Of Thrones), Emun Elliott (Star Wars: The Force Awakens), Steven Robertson (T2: Trainspotting), Lauren Lyle (Outlander) and newcomer Gregor Selkirk as Charlie.

Watch the trailer :

Sources :

Anna Paquin Will ‘Tell It To The Bees’ With Holliday Grainger In Period Romance

Anna Paquin Joins ‘Tell It to the Bees’ Movie Adaptation


Patience and Sarah by Isabel Miller

“We can be an army of two. We can be Plato’s perfect army: lovers, who will never behave dishonorably in each other’s sight, and invincible. Let the world either kill us or grow accustomed to us; here we stand.”


Alma Routsong alias Isabel Miller, her penname, referencing her mother’s maiden name and an anagram of the word “lesbia” writes the story of the pioneers: painter Mary Ann Wilson and her partner Mrs. Brundidge. She saw Mary Ann Wilson’s name in a museum, while admiring one of her folk-art paintings, when Alma read a small review out of which she realized Mary Ann’s partner was another woman and that is when she start being interested in writing about their lives. Alma and her partner even communicated with Mary Ann and her partner through a Ouija board and found out that Mrs. Brundidge’s first name was Florence.

The book’s original name was “A place for us” and after it was renamed to “Patience and Sarah” it was first published in 1969 and of course it was self-published by the author.

“Patience and Sarah” is a historical lesbian romance whose drama of the struggle of two women trying to move out of Connecticut and make a life for each other during the nineteenth century in the state of New York was a touchstone for the gay and women’s activism of the 1960’s and early 1970’s.


“I began to wonder if what makes men walk so lord like and speak so masterfully is having the love of women. If that was it, Sarah and I would make lords of each other.“


The unexpected expected in this lesbian classic : Patience, the lipstick lesbian of the couple is 27 years old, she seems fragile and sweet, with a nice education given by her father, is ready to get married, especially that her father has passed away and she lives with her brother and her sister in law and their children, they want to get rid of her, so that they can have the house for themselves and give Patience the crumbles left by their father. Patience’s faith seems to be sealed, but Patience is not only pretty and feminine, she is also smart and very strong, with a will that stuns according to the fact that the action of the novel is set in the nineteenth century, more precisely 1816.

Sarah is the butch lesbian stereotype of the couple. She is 21 years old and her family is numerous and they hold a farm and she is the physically strongest of the children and that is why she has the main role as her father’s help and endures the hard work of the farm. She understands that she is different, because she understands the feelings she has towards women. But, only after she meets Patience, she understands how is it like to be attracted by a woman and also to feel the act returning, to feel how it is like to have in front of you another women that is attracted to you. She knows that she has to leave her father’s farm, so that she will be able to have a life as she desires and to have a home with the woman that she loves.


“I knew she’d let me go with her, and that she was only trying to play man, all slow and steady, not impulsive, weighing carefully. I was amused, but I didn’t say so. Time enough later to teach her that it’s better to be a real woman than an imitation man, and that when someone choses a woman to go away with, it’s because a woman is what’s preferred”

patience and sarah by isabel miller


The author has other plans for Sarah. She must go the road less taken to maturity first. She needs to evolve as a person and have an unique life experience that will change her life forever and that will prepare her for the future of her life with Patience. Also, Sarah makes the mistake of telling one of her sisters that she loves Patience and her whole family knows that now and her father doesn’t takes it well and applies Sarah painful corrections. Sarah knows she has to leave.

Sarah is crossed-dressed and she can very well pass as a man and when she finally decides to leave home and take Patience with her, she’s shocked by Patience’s denial.


“You leave me. I feel the cold air like a sword where your warmth has been. You tear my whole front open when you cease to lie along it. My skin goes with you. I could bleed to death.”


Patience is also somehow shocked herself, but the reader understands Patience is not yet ready to leave and Sarah is not yet ready with a relationship with Patience and with her own self, she needs to evolve as an individual, and so she starts her new path, after she leaves Connecticut and taking Patiences’s denial with a heavy heart, she goes through many difficult situations, passing as a young man, but every farmer she meets and offers her shelter, suspects he (she calls herself Sam) is a villain, a convict of some sort.

Until she meets Parson Peel that drives a carriage and sells book from door to door and he shows Sarah a different side of humans, he is kind and helpful and they start a journey that will be the best life experience for Sarah in this certain moment of her lifetime.

The striking moment that changes their relationship is when the Parson makes a move on Sarah thinking she’s Sam, a man, showing he’s desires for other men. Sarah confesses she is a woman loving another women, being the reason for her passing as a man. And so starts their friendship. The Parson and his wife will help Patience and Sarah when they will arrive to New York.

After that moment, Sarah decides it’s time for her to go back to Connecticut to her family and to Patience.

patience and sarah

They have a talk and they find a way to see each other daily : Patience will teach Sarah how to read. Sarah always comes with a female member of her family, they don’t really get the chance to be together. Her father is greatful Sarah is back and helping him with the farm and everything is alright between them.

Patience had her own ways of evolving herself, more like inner self. She understands her position in her brother’s house, she knows he has to give her some money for the part of the house her father left and for her animals. She knows why Sarah left and she is waiting for her to return, as she felt the glimpse of desire far more acute than Sarah. And she had to face her own demons, her past desire for her sister in law from the beginning of her adulthood when they were friends, before she became her brother’s wife. She had to go away from her, to stop feeling responsible for her, to help her with the children and with the household, because she was pregnant. She also told her brother she had wanted to leave at one point. She misses Sarha more than she can say or show someone, she is incomplete. She understands her love for women and her passion for Sarah. She waits for Sarah to return to her with a despair that almost hurts.

And when Sarah returns, Patience feels complete again and she knows what she has to do to convince Sarah of her love and that they need to leave Connecticut to find their place in the world, as a whole, together.

Patience in not impatient anymore, she has patience now. She will convince everyone of her friendship with Sarah and creates a plan for them to leave, not empty handed but with her small inheritance and make a home for themselves in New York state.


“You come to me through the dark, when you need rest, when the snow is deep and blowing, when no sister is gracious about accompanying you, when your mother protests and your father threatens, you come to me. And now, you know as well as I, that you cannot resist me. We both need the proof.

You are so much finer than I, noble, generous, devoted to freedom, unwilling to bully. But it is I, and the traits in which I differ from you, who will save us.”


That’s why she proposes Sarah to see each other daily and that she will teach Sarah how to read and that she needs to come always together with a family member. They will have some small moments from themselves, when they will show their love for each other, they share kisses and embraces. Remember we are talking about women who love each other in the 1816, they had no role model, they had no idea why they had these feelings, they only knew they desire each other and want to live together.

Patience also has another trick in her sleeve, she will attract Sarah in her bedroom and will leave the door open, hoping her brother or her sister in law will come in at one point, and so it happened. Her sister in law never liked Sarah and she was the one who “caught” them in bed kissing and told her husband and Patience had to face an angry Edward. But, after he reconsidered, they talked and Patience told her about their plans, that she will leave to be happy with Sarah and that he and his family will have the house and the animals for themselves, with a small contribution from his part. Agreed, and so Patience and Sarah’s journey to Genesee starts on a ship. They have a cabin of their own, but of course, they had some strange occurring issues, too. Sarah is confused with a man and a man came over her, not realizing she is a woman.


“And where do you put your hands?

Here, I said, holding mine out to her.

Now that you are a woman, I can treat you like one”


After that awkward moment, she will be silent, Patience’s supposed rich and silent relative. Patience is the bold one and does all the talking and they safely arrive to New York city. The captain helps them too, as Edward asked him too, they arrive at the Parson’s home and finally they try to find a home in New York state, not reaching Genesee, but after a great search they find a home for each other and they leave happily ever after.

“I looked on up to her eyes and held there steady, thinking pretty soon she’d look away, and then when I knew she wouldn’t, the silver thread our eyes were joined by began to hum like far-off bees. I felt my soul melt and flow out along it. I felt my heart melt and drip off my fingertips.

I am trying to tell exactly true.

“Do you forgive me ?” she whispered.

“Yes.” I wanted to say more. I couldn’t , but it was enough.

We stayed that way a time that can’t be said the ordinary way.

One minute-twenty minutes-a thousand years-I don’t know.”



I enjoyed the fact that the narrators are both Patience and Sarah, evoking the facts at first person, showing both their points of view on different situations, as well as their daring love and passion for each other, an outstanding love story between two strong women with a confident defiance and a belief in their strengths and their wishes. They are the creed of the 60’s generation : live and love free as your heart desires.

“The story of the Prodigal Son attracted and warned me. He demanded his patrimony, as I meant to demand mine. He squandered it. I tried to imagine how one might squander – what dissolute living might consist in it. Searching my soul for an answer, I found again my longing for Sarah’s lips. But that wasn’t dissolute in a man. Men could have women’s lips. And I felt, I think for the first time, a rage against men. Not because they could say, “I am going” and go. Not because they could go to college and become lawyers and preachers while women could be only drudge or ornament, but nothing between. Not because they could be parents at no cost for their bodies. But because when they love a woman they may be with her, and all society will protect their possession of her.”


I loved the fact that the characters evolve as individuals before starting a life together, but I think Patience’s self counsciousness could have been more spicy.

I adored their declarations of love, their times together, kissing and embracing and their outspoken feelings for each other :

“Who can count the times the waves will take her unexpected, in the deep of a kiss and throw her teeth against my lip and nick it. But she will heal the nick with a touch of her tongue, always, and hug me down to give me the feel of the lovely waves she makes again and again for me, all my nights.

Where are we, high or deep? “”Heaven”, she says.

We’re high then. We stay here so long, like gulls that don’t have to move to stay up.”

rachel shelley

Also, both the characters have struggled so much, like most of the book, to convince their families to let them go, of the love of each other, and so little of the book is left to speak of their life together.

As a conclusion, “Patience and Sarah” is a remarkable book, of it’s generation, with an outstanding love story between two dignifying women, that overcome all odds for the sake of their love and their life together, another view upon the American dream, the pursuit of lesbian happiness.


Battle of the Sexes movie 2017- based on the true story tennis match between women’s No 1 – Billie Jean King and fifty something ex-champ and self-proclaimed “male chauvinist pig” Bobby Riggs

“The Battle of the Sexes” is a biographical sports comedy drama based on the true story tennis match of 1973 in a packed Houston Astrodome. It stars Emma Stone and Steve Carell, respectively women’s No 1 Billie Jean King and fiftysomething ex-champ and self-proclaimed “male chauvinist pig” Bobby Riggs – fighting to prove that men are better at tennis and better, full stop.

“He made a bet, she made history”

The film crucially faces the same challenge as the participants from real life: the challenge of tone. How unseriously should this match be taken? How strenuously should the attitude of casual joking be maintained? No one involved in this encounter could be certain of its outcome; neither side could be sure of avoiding humiliation, and thus everyone had a vested interest in keeping it light. Up to a point. But only one side was facing joking as a weapon, the same weapon of boorish condescension and toxic exchanges that they faced outside the sporting arena every day of their lives. The movie displays the same gracious good humor as its heroine.

billie jean king and marylin barnett2

In 1973, King was enraged by the fact that female players on the grand slam circuit were paid a tiny fraction of what the men got, despite pulling in the same number of paying customers. She formed the breakaway Women’s Tennis Association, and having duly punished King with excommunication from their club, the male tennis establishment was quietly scandalized to discover that, far from failing ignominiously, the women were finding support from the American public who rather liked them as rebels and pioneers. They got sponsorship and even some sympathetic press coverage.

She is instantly sympathetic and humanly vulnerable; her address to the camera has a cartoony clarity and vigour, a distinctive kind of wide-eyed openness, accentuated by the trademark glasses. (This is surely history’s only premier sports event in which both players have worn glasses.) And her Billie Jean is sensual and vulnerable when she discovers that, despite being married, she is falling in love with a woman: LA hairdresser Marilyn Barnett – another unassumingly excellent performance from Andrea Riseborough.

billie jean king and marylin barnett

As for Carell, he is the only possible casting for Riggs: the humourless, belligerent guy thinking that he is the life and soul of the party, dressing up in silly costumes. It’s a variation on his David Brent manager Michael Scott from the American TV version of The Office or his weatherman Brick Tamland from Anchorman. And he is that certain kind of middle-aged guy who by wearing shorts makes his buttocks look unsexily gigantic, like barrage balloons.

In real life, Riggs was supposed to have a skill in lobs and drop shots that would counter King’s hitting power. Yet in acting terms, it’s Stone who is subtly floating shots over the net, and comedy star Carell who is going for the double-fisted line readings and visual laughs.


And what remains of this argument now? Jimmy Connors won against Martina Navratilova in 1992, at a younger age than Riggs but with rule handicaps. John McEnroe grumbles away at the subject in the present day. But King’s point remains the same: meaningful equality is what she wanted. Nowadays, sport and sports careers are too disciplined and careful to allow for these wacky Barnumesque contests. But pay disparity remains, and not every workplace has access to the Houston Astrodome to put them to the test.

Watch the trailer :



Sources :


The Space Between Our Hearts by Kat Evans

The write is smooth and silky as caress, not having the roughness of a detective story.

The two main characters are Taylor Ross and Stephanie Scruggs.

Taylor Ross is the soft half of the whole love being the author wanted to create. I am not sure if intended, but she holds many  physical features and many emotional prints of herself, like her emotions, her innocence regarding people’s intentions, her little life experience, her confusion regarding her sexuality or her sexual choices, her bisexuality, her clothes, her make-up, the cross necklace. The reader feels somehow closer to Taylor, than to Stephanie.

kat evans the space between our hearts

She seems soft, yet she is strong, she is a woman and a mother, that loves her children very much, she has even become too thoughtful regarding the care of her children, even over-protective towards her daughter Claire. That is why I found it very intriguing when we go along the storyline and her daughter is kidnapped while she is taking a shower, careless for a couple of minutes, she becomes the main suspect, of her daughter’s death. The reader doesn’t know if she is guilty or not, that is the author’s credit. She is accused of her daughter’s kidnapping and death and she spends five years in prison, on a far from clean case with indirect/ inconclusive proves. Even, Taylor’s ex-husband, Matt, believes her guilty and blames her for their daughter’s death during her moments of careless.

lesbian lovers hot

Those little details make Taylor the best character in the book, the one the reader falls in love with.


Another turning point in the book is Taylor’s relationship with Beth, which happens in prison and somehow, Beth becomes Taylor’s protector and lover. Beth gets out of prison and promises to visit Taylor and after she gets out to, to spend their lives together, yet after the first month Beth breaks every contact with Taylor and she can’t get a hold of her anymore, not even after Taylor gets out of prison. We can say she knows what is like to kiss another woman, but she doesn’t know how it is like to live with one, nor to have a relationship with her. She is confused, she doesn’t want to know if she can be with a man or with a woman, until she meets Stephanie, she feels weird around Stephanie and doesn’t understand why and has certain feelings towards her, like butterflies in her belly and the need to touch her, kiss her and being touched and kissed in exchange.


Stephanie Scruggs is the second main character. She’s the rough part of the whole love being Kat Evans created in this story. Stephanie is anchored in reality, she has faced many milestones in her lifetime : she is a retired soccer player and a retired law enforcement officer, because of a knee injury. She lives in a small town called Macon. Stephanie is the opposite of Taylor in responsibility and self consciousness. Sometimes authoritary, sometimes cold as ice, sometimes burning of passion, Stephanie made a career out of her second job choice : private detective, working together with a small team at their own small firm. Her partner is her lifelong friend Roger and together they feel they have a hot case on their hands : Taylor Ross’s. And especially, when Stephanie kisses Taylor and feels like she can start a relationship with her, Stephanie knows she had broken the golden rule of their engagement: never get involved with a customer.

lesbian detective

Yet, Stephanie is a woman that loves women and has experience in a relationship with women, she knows exactly whom she wants, and now, she wants Taylor. She is so very much attracted to Taylor’s rebel spirit, to her alluring vision and to her beauty. The only fact that holds her back is not the fact that she could be a murderer, but the fact that she is a customer and she doesn’t get involved with customers. Yet she falls for Taylor.

The kissing and their lovemaking scenes are beautifully penned by Kat Evans. I loved the first impressions, the smoothness of their kisses and touches and how she described their sensations. I wished the first time they made love was different, but it felt amazing, according to the consequences.


Less plausible was Stepanie’s attitude towards Taylor, after she believes Taylor is guilty and they have made love.  No matter how tough the woman could be or how difficult the situation they’re into, a lesbian lover never behaves like that. This is where Stephanie’s character trembles.

lesbian lovers 2

The milestone (turning point) of the book is when the reader finds out, that Taylor is not the murderer, yet the society and the Police have to face a serial killer, mainly Jonathan Collins. And even more than amazing is the fact that Roger and Stephanie discover the above mentioned fact.


What happens next is predictable, Stephanie and Taylor will work together and fight to bring this serial killer to justice. Another surprise comes along with Stephanie’s kidnapping by Jonathan Collins and she is close to death, while Taylor and Roger struggle to get to her and save her in the end.

lesbian lovers

Happy end!


I had no idea it is a self-published book until I did a little research on Kat Evans, and this is why I give it more credit and encourage such beautiful writings.



Sources :

Extraordinary women – Sophia Yakovlevna Parnokh – Russia’s Sapho



Dedicated to N.P.P.

I’m drunk on your wild caresses,
You’ve driven me crazy for you…
Just tell me I’ve only been dreaming
So I can believe that it’s true.

No, you want to torment me forever –
Why shouldn’t you play and have fun;
And smiling, you answer, carefree,
“We won’t do again what we’ve done.”

29 August 1902



Sophia Parnok (София Яковлевна Парно́к, 30 July 1885 O.S./11 August 1885 (N. S.) – 26 August 1933) was a Russian poet, journalist and translator. From the age of six, she wrote poetry in a style quite distinct from the predominant poets of her times, revealing instead her own sense of Russianess, Jewish identity and lesbianism. Besides her literary work, she worked as a journalist under the pen name of Andrei Polianin. She has been referred to as “Russia’s Sappho”, as she wrote openly about her seven lesbian relationships.

“Just listen, how amidst inspired dreaming
the soul will suddenly lay bare its secret curves.
Let your thought illuminate them brightly
with creation’s breath in an audacious surge.
You will see, then, how the endless distance
so easily and wondrously removes its haze,
and there upon a lofty pedestal of marble
the depth of worlds feels Beauty’s silent gaze.


Sophia Parnok, named Sonya Parnokh at birth, was born in 1885 into an affluent Jewish professional home in Taganrog, Russia. A southern port town on the inland Azov Sea, Taganrog was outside the immediate influence of Russian politics at a time when religious minorities, including Jews, were pervasively persecuted; while most Jewish settlers were forced to live within the Pale of Settlement, Parnok and her siblings were raised to think of themselves first and foremost as Russians. Their father, the local apothecary, was indifferent to religion and highly assimilated into Russian culture, and the family was materially comfortable and lived among the intellectual elite. While she was still quite young, however, her mother Alexandra Parnokh , a doctor, died while giving birth to twins.

Parnok attended the Empress Marie Gymnasium for Girls for ten years, studying a wide range of topics, including several languages, music, and math. She was also educated by a governess who became her stepmother, and she “carried away from her childhood the strong feeling that she had had no childhood, that she had emerged into adulthood at too young an age,” wrote her biographer Diana Burgin . Already beginning to write poetry in her youth, Parnok was rebellious against her family’s settled existence, believing it restrained her creativity. When she was about 20, she left to study music in Geneva, Switzerland. Before completing a degree there, she moved back to Russia, this time to St. Petersburg, where she studied history, philosophy, and law.

sophia parnokh


Life  is a woman. Merely by her own seductions
Intoxicated, she will stand above her victim.
The more unhappy is the soul that lies before her,
the fuller she all is with unrestrained desire,
How often her mysterious gaze has hovered over
my soul with powerful inquisitiveness,
but merely had my soul to quiver in responding  –
and silently, with unconcern, she sought the distance.


Beginning to write seriously, Parnok was first published in a literary journal in 1906. Several of her literary reviews at this time were published under the male name Andrey Polyanin, as she believed that her work thus would be more seriously accepted within the male-dominated literary circles. In 1907, Parnok married Vladimir Volkenshtein, but the marriage was brief in large part due to her lesbianism, of which she had become aware very early in her youth. She accepted and celebrated this facet of her self, frequently invoking mythological goddesses and the poet Sapho in her work: in one poem, using the voice of Aphrodite, Parnok writes, “There’s talk, Sappho: / They want to know to whom you write your eternal love songs, / Nectar of the gods! To young men or to maids?”

It still hasn’t got any cares, it’s still young at heart,

it still hasn’t cut its first teeth, our Passion –

not vodka, not spirits, yet no longer water,

its mischievous, bubbly, melodious Asti.

You still don’t know how to pale when I come up to you,

your pupil still doesn’t become fully widened,

I know, though you think that the magic I do

exceeds what I did in Kashira or affectionate Kashin.

Oh where is that tiny, forsaken, and garden-filled town,

(perhaps on the map they don’t bother to site it?)

in some kind of sixteen-year-old excitement?

Where’s the cottage with jasmine and the welcoming night,

and curlicue arches of hop-plants above us,

and thirst which could no longer be satisfied,

and sky, and a sky more impassioned than Petrarch’s.

At the end of my last or next-to-last spring –

together the two of us dreamed crazy dreams,

I burn up my night in a savage, a beautiful fire.

Dec 26 1931

As the strictures of the Victorian era faded and then were swept away in the sea change brought by World War I, women’s contributions to and acceptance in Russian poetry increased. Using her own name, Parnok published her first book of poetry in 1916, simply titled Poems. During this time she maintained intimate relationships with several women, including Nadezhda Polyakova , and began writing freely about her experiences. Her love affairs directly influenced her work, leading to surges of creativity that linked artistry and eroticism. An intense two-year relationship with poet Marina Tsvetayeva , who was married and the mother of a child, coincided with a particularly creative period.


Give me your hand, and let’s go to your sinful paradise!…

Defy all State Pension Plans of heaven,

May returned for us in wintertime,

and flowers blossomed in the greening meadow,

where in full bloom an apple tree inclined

its fragrant fans above the two of us,

and where the earth smelled sweet like you,

and butterflies made love in flight…

We’re one year older now, but what’s the difference –

old wine has also aged another year,

the fruits of ripe knowledge are far more succulent.

Hello my love! my grey-haired Eve!

Following the 1917 Russian Revolution, Parnok moved to Sudak, in the Crimea, where she continued writing poetry and also wrote a libretto for an opera. She returned to Moscow in 1922, the same year she published her second book of poetry, Roses of Pieria. This was followed in 1923 by The Vine and in 1926 by Music. In an effort to avoid Soviet censorship, with some others she established a small press called Uzel (meaning “knot” or “group”). The government soon learned of the operation and shut it down. Her final book of poetry, 1928’s In a Hushed Voice, was published after it had been edited by censors. Later considered by critics a major work, the book went essentially unnoticed at the time. In 1930, Parnok completed a libretto for an opera, Almast, which was successfully staged at the Bolshoi Theater in Moscow; it was the last of her work made public in her lifetime. In 1931, she met her last love and companion, physicist Nina Vedneyeva , who greatly influenced her work during the following years. Parnok’s health grew steadily worse until she died of heart problems in August 1935, in the village of Kirinsky, near Moscow. Her death barely received mention in the Moscow papers.

diana l burgin sophia parnok the life and work of Russia's Sappho

Much of Parnok’s literary career corresponded to a time of increasingly severe repression in Russia, as the group became idealized and prized far above the individual; Joseph Stalin denounced lyric poetry in particular for being out of step with his political goals for the country. Despite the very limited printings of her work and her small audience, Parnok persisted in writing in a bold style, publishing five volumes of poetry, a significant quantity of literary critiques, and the libretti to several operas. (It is believed that much of her unpublished work has been lost.) She was the only openly lesbian voice in Russian poetry at a time when homosexuality was considered psychologically abnormal and a sign of moral degradation in Russian society. Beginning in the 1970s, interest in Parnok’s work grew significantly. A collection of Parnok’s poetry, Sophia Parnok: Collected Works, was published in the United States in 1979 by Sophia Polyakova of Leningrad University (it was not published in the USSR)

Perhaps because I wished to fall in love with being
with so much obstinate avidity,
I felt more vividly how bottomlessly
dispassion for it had come over me.
But what of now? Can I be captivated
by life in an enraptured rush I do not understand?
My soul luxuriates in boundless freedom
as if inhaling life for the first time.



Sources :

Diana Lewis Burgin

check books on her :

Sophia Parnok: The Life and Work of Russia’s Sappho

by Diana L. Burgin

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